Scrolling through Instagram, your new profile picture showed up.

I don’t know.:
Being good friends seems starting to be an excuse to push against the boundary I set for myself.
It doesn’t feel right, but deep in my heart, I don’t want to lose this friend, who is special to me.

It’s been 2.5 months since the last post, yet it seems that I haven’t gotten any better.
Main reason is that I hasn’t been reminding myself with the versus, the ground solid truth of the All Might One.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man. but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.” Proverbs 19:21
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil. to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and　I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

It isn’t easy to see the background photo of your phone, therefore I’ll just pretend I didn’t see anything every single time.

It isn’t easy to think of how the interaction between you and your one is like, therefore I won’t ask anything like I don’t care yet I do.

It isn’t easy to still stay close to you as a buddy, therefore, so many times, I think to myself that I should take a step back. But I couldn’t.

It isn’t easy to keep my feelings deep down, therefore I always look so lost in my eyes, as you said.

It isn’t easy to let go, though I tried very hard. There is nothing I would nor I could, even though I wanted to, do to make it happen.

Yes, I got into the same situation again, with a different person, with a different me. You know what happened to me. I thought the outcome would be different this time. But no, I am still unwanted, still am not chosen.

It’s not me in your background photo. It’s not me to travel together during breaks. It’s not me to imagine the future of. And I don’t even know your birthday. You are not mine.

I prayed, I counselled myself, I cried. I thought I was getting better, but I just found that I am not.

I can’t imagine the day I have to leave this place. I can’t imagine how it is like to be an ocean away from you. Yes you may visit places nearby, but you are not even interested in my home country, at all. I can’t imagine the last goodbye will be the end of everything. Like, the only thing left will be my memory, that I may doubt if it ever happened or it’s just my fantasy.

 

But I’ll be fine. I have another Him, my Lord Jesus.

All these only mean you are not the right one for me.

All these are growing me for a reason, and He knows everything of me, including my pain and my deceitful thoughts.

All these will be something I can share about to whoever having similar struggle.

One day I will refer to this, and say “suffering is a blessing”.

5/28/2015

Sometimes I wish I could draw or paint well or could have kept playing piano as a way to express myself, esp when I feel moody or stuff…If so, I might actually pursue the dream career as an animator that it’d be another story, and I might not be “me” nor meet those who helped me grow spiritually and made me feel being loved.

I shouldn’t regret.
I’ll stay thankful.
I’ll try hard to love myself more.
I’ll keep telling myself that I was born for a reason.