It isn’t easy to see the background photo of your phone, therefore I’ll just pretend I didn’t see anything every single time.

It isn’t easy to think of how the interaction between you and your one is like, therefore I won’t ask anything like I don’t care yet I do.

It isn’t easy to still stay close to you as a buddy, therefore, so many times, I think to myself that I should take a step back. But I couldn’t.

It isn’t easy to keep my feelings deep down, therefore I always look so lost in my eyes, as you said.

It isn’t easy to let go, though I tried very hard. There is nothing I would nor I could, even though I wanted to, do to make it happen.

Yes, I got into the same situation again, with a different person, with a different me. You know what happened to me. I thought the outcome would be different this time. But no, I am still unwanted, still am not chosen.

It’s not me in your background photo. It’s not me to travel together during breaks. It’s not me to imagine the future of. And I don’t even know your birthday. You are not mine.

I prayed, I counselled myself, I cried. I thought I was getting better, but I just found that I am not.

I can’t imagine the day I have to leave this place. I can’t imagine how it is like to be an ocean away from you. Yes you may visit places nearby, but you are not even interested in my home country, at all. I can’t imagine the last goodbye will be the end of everything. Like, the only thing left will be my memory, that I may doubt if it ever happened or it’s just my fantasy.

 

But I’ll be fine. I have another Him, my Lord Jesus.

All these only mean you are not the right one for me.

All these are growing me for a reason, and He knows everything of me, including my pain and my deceitful thoughts.

All these will be something I can share about to whoever having similar struggle.

One day I will refer to this, and say “suffering is a blessing”.